It only took one day back from break and I am feeling just as stressed as the week before we shot our film, if not more. So I thought I'd blog twice this week, to take care of next week's now, because next week I will be editing audio LITERALLY ALL WEEK. (Help me).
I feel an array of emotions now when I walk into Fiction Field. I'm happy. I'm angry. I want to cry. I want to go home. I used to be so eager to make videos, but now thinking about producing a project just gives me a headache. Thinking about all the planning, arguing, coordinating, failing, changing, adjusting--it makes me very, very anxious.
I sometimes regret taking Fiction Field 2, not because I didn't learn (I learned A LOT) but because it's caused me so much stress this semester that I reached out to CAPS to seek help. I've been having problems because many components of this project are out of my control. We couldn't shoot at an earlier date because of scheduling conflicts. I can't get the picture lock of the film done because I'm not editing. I can't score the film. I have to rely on many other people for this. And I know that's part of life.
I don't believe I have enough time to edit the sound for this project. I will get it done, but I don't think it will be the best it can possibly be. Typing that physically hurts me.
I wanted this project to be something that I would be extremely proud of. I wanted people to see it and say "Wow, Sam was a part of that? That was really good." But now I'm afraid people will hear it and see my name in the credits and think, "That girl had no idea what she was doing." It is partially true that I don't have any idea what I'm doing. In this class and in life. I'm trying to do my best.
I just want to enjoy what I do and right now I'm not enjoying it at all. Next semester I plan on taking a step back from many extracurriculars and trying to work in smaller groups. I also plan to focus more on my mental and physical health. If you read this blog, please don't bring it up to me in class. It's sort of an automatic response now for me to start crying when I remember how stressed I am.