One shot story- Palmer

As you guys might remember from class, my one-shot story was undeveloped and I had no direction about where to take this project. After racking my brain for the past few days, I have finally developed my story idea. I am open to suggestions, so please comment and tell me what you think.  At this point, I am worried that the story is a little cliched.

A young man in his early thirties is on the brink of his life. Palmer is recently married, has a child on the way and has finally achieved professional success. He is in good health, works out regularly, doesn't smoke and rarely drinks. One day goes to see his doctor, Dr. Amadi, for a regular check-up. The appointment is going accordingly. The doctor checks his vitals and for obvious lumps and bumps. Everything is going well. Palmer explains to him that he has been experiencing shortness is breath and it is becoming increasingly difficult to breathe. Dr. Amadi scans Palmer's lungs, as Palmer waits nervously on the table for the doctor to process the lab results. The doctor walks in the room, as if he is carrying the world on his shoulders. Palmer's stare is blank. The doctor places his hand firmly on Palmer's shoulders as he zones out into space. His life that was just beginning now had a dim and unpromising future.  This was the beginning of the rest of Palmer's life.

My plan for the shot is to avoid dialogue and represent the severity of the situation only with actions. I want the set lighting to be dark with the exposure of the outside world displayed through natural lighting. I want to portray a real-life feel. The setting will be early afternoon. I want to concentrate on the contrast between Palmer's dark and dismal world and the bright and promising outside world.