Tuesday, December 20, 2011

I Chipwrecked All Over The Movie Screen, Sorry Guys

Hello, everyone!

I suppose by now you're all sitting comfortably in your homes with a piping cup of tea by a fire reading your Christmas stories and spinning your dreidels and singing Kwanzaa songs. But I, being a heathen and a soulless man-fellow, have arisen from the dead to bring you a movie review. And oh, is it just in time for the season to be jolly... it's so bad even Santa will want to cry.

Witness the above and weep with me.

Chipwrecked is good in one respect; it's got the Chipmunks! How incredible is it that in today's world we can digitally render Alvin, Simon, and Theodore into reality? How titillatingly tubular that we can incorporate the virtual with the practical? ...Well, not really. This kind of animation isn't new anymore; and even though it's still cool to watch this magic in action, it's nothing to flip any lids about.

The problem with Chipwrecked is that it totally bastardizes the Chipmunks. Their mischievousness takes a back seat to pop culture references and covers of recent hits, making this movie seem more like a long episode of Glee than anything. The story is so plot-driven that instead of the characters I knew and loved in my childhood, we're left with one-dimensional cardboard cutouts of them. Odd, since the movie's being shown in 3D. I would have expected different. And then there's the Chipettes. They sexed up the Chipettes. How could you do that to anyone anywhere ever.

See, Chipwrecked is family-comedy schlock 101. It's got corny jokes, cheap plot devices, a light-hearted story, loud noises, bright colors, and the music is so poppy and sweet that your ears feel sticky. You want a good fam-com? Go see The Muppets. Or take your kids to see Breaking Dawn. (Jeebus, I can't believe I'm recommending that.) But at least with Breaking Dawn, you're taking your kids to see a film instead of 80 minutes of vapid saccharine.

That's really all I have to say on the matter. Peace out, Hanukkah-scouts.


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